I’d left this town. I’d seen so much more, travelled, met new people from different worlds, but nothing gave me the feeling that burned inside my heart when I drove through the old open roads to the stables. Green pastures on each side, the tangy smell of pollen, foot down, fast and free. I could drive for miles. Painted in an orange sunset, the land was so romantic at dusk. Things seemed different this drive; the flutters in my heart were uncontrollable, unbearable. My body was alive, vibrating and electric. Everything that happened that day had exhilarated me. Lockie, the way he was earlier, so out of character, so dominating and powerful with me, so fearless with his father. The boy I’d watched through my bedroom window a few nights before had gone. Though an excitement rose in my soul at his new way of being, I thought back to our argument. I’d told him to stand up for himself, and he’d listened. Not many people ever really listened. He did, and not only did he face his father, he faced me, in such a different and overwhelming way. He had me in the palm of his hand. Summer had barely begun, and it was already so far from what I expected it to be. I’d been so quick to return to college last year; Though I had bravely taken my newfound personality back home with me and wore it shamelessly, I didn’t feel comfortable in it. This summer, people were looking at me differently, Lockie looked at me differently. I’d been with people at college. Every person had felt exhilarating in their own way but Lockie, and the way he touched me, the authority in his voice; it had been so far removed from how we had been, his once sweet and shy character. I wanted more.
I pulled into the ranch, tires gritting over the broken rock beneath them. Lockie was reaching for something in the stables as the lamp-lit sun light beamed through. His shaggy golden hair was still wet, his skin dark and dirty against it.
“What are you doing!” I called out to him. “Your dad told me to tell you that you’re grounded.” I watched as he scoffed, hauling a rucksack over his shoulder. His tall, strong frame walking toward my car. “You going somewhere?” He leant his elbows on the window frame, blue eyes squinting at me with a smirk. I glanced over the muscles that stretched along his forearms, inhaling sharply and averting my eyes before he could notice.
“I am. You coming?” He asked. I raised questioning eyebrow, becoming aware of how close our faces were. His sweet earthy, musky smell intoxicating me.
“Where?” I said softly, moving closer to his face. He didn’t reply straight away, his jaw clenched, his eyes trailing down my neck, to my breasts rising and falling with each breath. He raised his hand, his fingers tracing my face, his thumb brushing over my lips, which popped open. He paused, his eyes meeting mine, before cautiously pushing his thumb a little deeper, my mouth opened almost instantly, sucking it softly without hesitation.
“Road trip.” He said lowly, eyes planted on my mouth. Pulling out his damp thumb, he brushed my hair behind my ear. I nestled closer into his hand, cupping my face soothingly.
“I’d go anywhere with you.” The word left my lips as I closed my eyes, feeling him tug on my hair slightly, his warm energy buzzing down my neck, and over my cheeks. My eyes fluttered open, resting on his own pools of sky blue, that watched my face, with a soft smile at my words.
“Let’s go then.”
“Lauchlan Rivers” I gasped sarcastically, “You’re going to make your daddy so mad.” I laughed lightly, lacing my words with a strong Tennessee twinge and shooting him a knowing glance. His lips twisted up, pulling me close and kissing me. Closing my eyes again, bright white light filled the darkness behind my eyelids. Our lips melted into each other. His touch felt pure and innocent, piercing through the shadows of the lies he lived amongst, the wash of his tongue against my own, over my teeth, almost heavenly, holy as though I had been kissed by a fallen angel. The warmth of his soft lips left, reality flooded in, and I felt lost, longing to be touched by him once more.
“Nothing new then.” He replied indifferently, his voice rough, opening my car doo, lifting me out and placing me in front of him. I only came up to his chest, glancing up at him with wide eyes.
We loaded some things into his truck and took off, accelerating down the country roads carelessly. The warm rays of sunset filling the car, the breeze blocking our ears. Lockie’s hand rested on my bare thigh, still clad with Levi’s shorts and his old flannel shirt.
“Where are we going?” I asked, holding his hand gently, lacing my fingers through his. Though, I didn’t really care about our destination.
“I found her address.” He said, glancing at my face to see my reaction. I knew who he meant instantly. Julia. The woman Mr Rivers supposedly had an affair with. I nodded slightly. “We can turn back.” He offered.
“No.” I replied quickly, “I wanna hear what she has to say.”
“Me too.” He said, though his words didn’t quite meet his eyes. I knew he was scared. I was too.
We sat in silence, driving towards the highway and watching as the world got darker. Slowly, I pulled up my hand, clasped in Lockie’s, and raised it to his mouth. He was unphased, kissing the back of it so naturally, his eyes still fixated on the roads rolling past us. Smiling, I lifted my own finger to his mouth. He smirked, breathing out a laugh.
“It’s only fair.” I maintained, tapping my finger on his lips. He took it with his hand firmly, making me gasp slightly, placing it into his mouth, with smouldering eyes.
Feeling him was surreal, as though I was plunging deep into the core of the earth, a piece untouched and sacred. His strong calloused hand pulled my own away from his full lips, down his body, over his hard, sculpted stomach, pushing them against the front of his pants. I shuddered, my body twitching and yearning to feel beneath the rough fabric of his jeans, for him to touch me the way he had in the stables, to make me unfold and release the way he had done so easily then. I was surprised how I felt afterwards. Lockie had known me my entire life, we were children together, we had watched the other grow, be scolded by our parents, argue with our siblings, argue with each other. He had met every personality I had tried. I thought that I would feel ashamed, being so exposed with him. “How do you see me?” I asked, my hand still resting on him. He looked at me and sat back in his seat. “Like, am I still a little kid to you.. I’m just confused because I would never have thought that we would.. you know.” I started to ramble before he could reply but he cut me off.
“I never saw you as a little kid, Maya.” He said. “We’re the eldest. Yeah, I look out for you but not because you need it. You’re always so happy, and sweet. This pure heart, helping everyone out all the time, comforting Fi, and Nala, the little ones. I just- I never thought this would happen either. But I’d be lying if I said I never wanted it to.”
Though his words were sincere, my mind struggled to believe them, having always felt so much younger than Lockie. As a young girl, I had looked to him for answers, for help and comfort. I never knew he had looked right back.
“Remember when we blamed you for breaking the window.” Fi, Nala and I had been trying to play hockey, stealing Lockie’s old puck and stick, and using two plant pots as goal posts. Lockie had been watching as he carried out his father’s set of chores, hauling bags of soil into the backyard so Lacey could start on her vegetable patch. She never did make it in the end.
“You looked so scared.” Lockie laughed, remembering my wide eyes when the puck smashed through the kitchen window. The three of us had scarpered, Fi yanking me behind him. I would have been paralysed with fear, feet glued to the crime scene without him. “Mom was pregnant with Attie.” She had been making dinner, and the glass had cut the soles of her feet. Mr Rivers’ fury wasn’t quite as fervent back then. Lockie allowed himself to be berated by both his mother and father. Though Lacey and Scott could tell he wasn’t the true culprit, he wouldn’t snitch on us. Even now, he was a place of safety we could all hide our sins within. “I had to muck out all of those stables for two weeks. Dad helped me with them though. He used to like me back then.”
It was the first time I had heard him say ‘Dad,’ in so long. He had avoided the word like the plague.
“I’m sorry we did that.” I said.
“I hope you’d do it again.” He replied, “I always hated seeing you guys getting told off, you’d always cry. I hate seeing you cry.” I hated seeing him cry too. His face would break, desperately trying to clasp the pieces of himself together. Even Lockie, so stoic and strong, sometimes bowed under the sorrow of what fate had stolen from him.
My phone buzzed, glowing under the flannel shirt.
“It’s my mom. I should tell her where we’re going.” I pulled out the phone, letting it ring out with worry, ending with another missed call. “Where is that again?” Lockie inhaled, rolling back his shoulders, tired from the long drive.
“Kentucky. Their college has a great nursing program.” He added. My eyes flitted to him, inquisitively.
“Does it?” I questioned. “I’m guessing that’s what you were planning on telling my mom and your dad?”
He hummed in agreement.
“So, you always planned on me coming along with you?” I asked. Lockie’s lips twisted up and reached for a cigarette.
“Yup.” He replied, with the cigarette in his mouth. He nodded towards a lighter in the centre console of the truck. Lifting it up and flicking my finger down, I held the lighter up for him, watching the silhouette of his face against the fire light, sharp jaw and furrowed brow like he’d been taken from an old James Dean film. Taking it from his lips and blowing out the warm swirl of smoke, he turned up the radio. “Wherever I go.” He said
.